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Turning life around, attempt 67
#1
Hey Guys. I'm starting to write this journal in order to have a single place where I can organise my thoughts and maybe receive some input.
I'm a 29 y.o. man from Hungary. I am the guy for whom Steve made this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aoAGX_4D1gY&t
My main issue is that I have really deeply embedded self-esteem problems, which I can't seem to get rid of. I went to a therapist for some time, and what we found is that this is probably because I had been bullied by my classmates throughout my entire childhood, and all the humiliation, social ostracisation and helplesness to change my situation traumatised me and left its mark on my core personality.
I know rationally that I shouldn't feel bad about myself where I am now. I earn well and I'm self-employed so I have freedom, I look decent, and my social skills are also pretty good by now. But despite all these, at an emotional level I still feel unworthy, unattractive, undeserving. When I go out, not even strictly for gaming, just to shop or doing normal stuff in the city, the sight of all these hot girls - and even more, couples with a hot girl - evokes an overwhelming feeling of frustration, helplessness and bitterness in me. I feel just like I felt in my childhood when all the cool kids wouldn't have me and I was treated less than a human. I feel like every hot girl I come across sees me as a pile of dogshit. When I see couples together I feel like the guy is laughing at me inside, thinking "haha, you would want a hot girl like mine, wouldn't you? well, no pussy for you, loser!". I know this sounds insane, that a simple stroll in the city evokes these feelings in me, but this is what happens, and I am simply unable to deal with it.
And obviously, this holds me back strongly. It's one thing to approach despite being anxious, but it's another one entirely if you are deeply convinced that you do not deserve to be with a decent-looking girl.
When I manage to conquer this for a time, I start to get results very quickly. I had dates from cold approach in the past one year, my success ratio is not bad for a beginner. But I am unable to do it on a regular basis, because most of the time I feel too bad about myself.
I also never had a real girlfriend, except for a 4/10 girl 5 years back, but obviously it was not a good relationship. It feels like through social circle, I only come across women who are in a relationship. I had sex with one such girl a few weeks back - ending a dry spell that lasted almost a year -, and it was just one time as she has a boyfriend, but how differently I started to see the world after that is unbelievable. It was like a black, dense gloom was lifted from the world, I felt sympathy for people, I felt open and zealous about life, I was even able to work more. I felt WHOLE. Like I had been running on low battery before and then I was charged up. I think this is how someone with a healthy self-esteem feels like all the time. For me, I felt like this only about 1% of my life. And this positive state doesn't last: after about 2 weeks, I was back to my self-hating, unworthy-feeling self.
I am pretty certain that the only thing that could "heal" me would be if I at last could have a relationship with a girl I'm attracted to and who loves me. But it's very hard to get there from this state of frustration, anger and mistrust I feel towards other people, and hot girls especially.
I need to do something, but I have already tried so many times to turn my life around I simply don't trust in my ability to do so anymore. That's why I'm here, so that instead of constantly chewing on these thoughts alone, I can share it with you and get some external input.
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#2
Something i noticed from your post s you are saying the a relationship with a hot girl would 'fix' you.

The one thing i have noticed throughout this is externalising happiness. You seem to think happiness is OUT THERE, in the world. When in reality its just not. If you won the lottery and fucked 10 super models in a week, you'd still feel like shit in a month. So the key take away here is the expression "Everywhere you go... there you are".

I dont have a fix for you but i think you are heading down the wrong path to start with. You are seeing happiness as a thing, when in reality happiness is a state of mind and state of being. It's hard to conceptualise. Dont confuse pleasure for happiness either. Happiness is almost like an acceptance of who you are and what you're about. The feelings of unworthiness and unhappiness are self generated and a story you tell yourself.

My advice for you is to start the process of thinking that happiness is not external and no women can ever make a man happy, only weak men can gain happiness from others for short periods. Also it makes your happiness dependant upon some external factor. Not good. It's actually kinda pathetic.

Your writing also comes across like you're a victim. You MAY have been i nth past, but to allow this to continue is to allow the abuse to continue, to allow those that hurt you to KEEP hurting you. It'sa choice and you're choosing to keep these feelings alive. I know that sounds a lot like victim blaming, but im genuinely not. I have sympathy and love and compassion for you. But you have to meet yourself half way and start to take responsibility for your own feelings and state of mind.

This is easier said than done, i know. but you can start the journey now. It's a simple choice and also making sure that you're not seeking happiness or validation from an external source. Again easier said than done, but over time as you start to accept and like who you are through your own accomplishments (however small, the key is to make progress) you'll see that people naturally gravitate towards you.

It's like a cat, you cant rush it and try to pick it up. It runs away. If you accept it, let it accept you and spend time letting it know it can do it's own thing. Then eventually, it comes to YOU. Maybe thats a weird analogy i dont know!

But my advice is stop being a victim and stop externalising your own happiness.
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#3
Hey Reformation, thanks for the input. I get where you're coming from, but to be honest I disagree. I've given these things you are talking about a lot of thought throughout my life. In the self-help and dating help world, there seems to be this kind of obession with not externalising happiness and being your own source of happiness - this is actually kind of an oversimplified zen philosophy. And it sounds really good and convincing in theory. Problem is, much like other theories and ideologies rooted not in the real world but instead made up by the human intellect, such as communism or the "gender non-binary", it is only valid in concept, but not in practice, because this is not how the human psyche works.
It is a well-known and widely documented thing in psychology that a person's contentness in life is very strongly tied to his or her relationships with other people, with few exceptions, but these exceptions are actually tied to certain psychological disorders. Simply put, in order for you to feel good about yourself, you have to be accepted, loved and respected by your "tribe". This probably has evolutional reasons, as for most of mankind's existence, it was a matter of life and death that you can fit into a tribe and coexist with them. However good it may sound, it is alien to the human psyche to be happy in a vacuum. On the contrary, happiness (related to dopamine and endorphine) and the feeling of self-worth (serotonine) is actually your brain's response rewarding you for getting into a position that is advantageous for you evolutionally (better mating options, more resources, higher status, etc.).
But I agree with the victimhood thing. Believe me that I am trying my best to escape my past, and I have made HUGE progress over the years. Frankly, I don't know anyone who changed as much for the better as I did in the span of the past 10 years. But trauma is not something that just disappears. You can learn to live with it, and you can learn how to manage it so you stay rooted in reality, but again, we are talking about how the human brain works, and it's not like you can just wish your psychological damage away. I'm not saying this to make up excuses, because I don't excuse myself for these. On the contrary, I am very hard on myself most of the time, and I never ever threw my hands up accepting failure. I always push on, it's just very very hard.
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#4
It sounds it would be good for you to slowly and carefully plug yourself into society to see your damaging assumptions being untrue again and again in real life. It seems too harsh to just be this self improving loner in his head who thinks everyone is out to get him and then try to change your reference experiences with a hot girl.
Build friendships, male and female, go out with people, see some museums, movies, sports games etc. Your first goal should be to gain trust in society and people. Be yourself with those people and see they like you. Easier said than done, I know. But you only need 2-3 close friends like that.
If you have some family members that don't hate you Big Grin , similar thing applies. You will see all those people struggle as well, mentally, physically, they fight with disease, toxic relationships, anxiety, most of them gave up many of their dreams and are in "damage control/survival" mode...maybe you will find a way to help them a bit, and in that process help yourself.

AMEN!  Angel

(Just kidding.)
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#5
(11-10-2019, 02:23 PM)Andrew Wrote: It sounds it would be good for you to slowly and carefully plug yourself into society to see your damaging assumptions being untrue again and again in real life. It seems too harsh to just be this self improving loner in his head who thinks everyone is out to get him and then try to change your reference experiences with a hot girl.
Build friendships, male and female, go out with people, see some museums, movies, sports games etc. Your first goal should be to gain trust in society and people. Be yourself with those people and see they like you. Easier said than done, I know. But you only need 2-3 close friends like that.
If you have some family members that don't hate you Big Grin , similar thing applies. You will see all those people struggle as well, mentally, physically, they fight with disease, toxic relationships, anxiety, most of them gave up many of their dreams and are in "damage control/survival" mode...maybe you will find a way to help them a bit, and in that process help yourself.

AMEN!  Angel

(Just kidding.)

Yeah, that's what I'm trying to do right now. I have become pretty embedded in a social circle, and I found at least one really good, trusting friendship from there, as well as slept with most of the decent looking girls within it, though they come few and far between.
I also started to do some group activities every week, like acting and dance classes - the latter has quite a good rotation of hot girls by the way, and it's entirely socially acceptable to have a chat with your current partner, so I think it's a really good thing to try (also, most guys there are 6s or lower, so it's not hard to stand out).
So yeah, I'm putting an effort into building social connections, but at the same time I know I have to practice CA, because otherwise it depends on luck whether I meet someone compatible at one of these activities.
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#6
Sounds like you should give advice to us! Smile "I only banged six 10's this week...what's the point of this uphill battle?" Sad
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#7
(11-10-2019, 03:42 PM)Andrew Wrote: Sounds like you should give advice to us! Smile "I only banged six 10's this week...what's the point of this uphill battle?" Sad

That's obviously an exeggaration, but I also realise that how I feel about myself is unreasonable, because people around me do not see the problem. But that's just it, even though everything "seems" to be ok with me, I still almost had an entire year until last month when I had no sex at all. The girl I slept with told me that she thinks my main problem is that I do not realise that I'm ok in every respect, and I try to throw on a facade, and then girls who would otherwise like me sense that something's off and get turned off.
And she was kinda right about this, because I always try to emulate some kind of hyper-confident archetype in order to compensate for my self-perceived inferiority. It's not even something I do consciously, I think it's kinda like a shield for me.
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#8
Finally managed to get going yesterday. I walked around for 2 hours to work up the courage to approach, but in the end I did. When I finally work up the nerve, I am always amazed by how receptive even closed-off looking girls can be. Anyway, she had a boyfriend, but I still got a few IOIs, which I can stock up in the "validation" shelf in my mind.
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#9
(11-16-2019, 11:55 AM)Hedge Wrote: Finally managed to get going yesterday. I walked around for 2 hours to work up the courage to approach, but in the end I did. When I finally work up the nerve, I am always amazed by how receptive even closed-off looking girls can be. Anyway, she had a boyfriend, but I still got a few IOIs, which I can stock up in the "validation" shelf in my mind.

It takes me a while to work up the courage to approach as well, man. 
Looking forward to seeing you improve in this regard.
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#10
I am like you in many regards. One thing that helps me is accepting that my brain works that way + do focused meditations to rewire my neuron connections.

Here is how I look at it. If I had a missing leg what would I do? Would I seat home feeling sorry for my leg? Or would I rather put a prosthetic and go for a walk? "Faulty", "useless" neuron associations in your brain are like a missing leg and as with a missing leg you still control what you do about it.
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#11
(11-09-2019, 08:50 AM)Hedge Wrote: Hey Guys. I'm starting to write this journal in order to have a single place where I can organise my thoughts and maybe receive some input.
I'm a 29 y.o. man from Hungary. I am the guy for whom Steve made this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aoAGX_4D1gY&t
My main issue is that I have really deeply embedded self-esteem problems, which I can't seem to get rid of. I went to a therapist for some time, and what we found is that this is probably because I had been bullied by my classmates throughout my entire childhood, and all the humiliation, social ostracisation and helplesness to change my situation traumatised me and left its mark on my core personality.
I know rationally that I shouldn't feel bad about myself where I am now. I earn well and I'm self-employed so I have freedom, I look decent, and my social skills are also pretty good by now. But despite all these, at an emotional level I still feel unworthy, unattractive, undeserving. When I go out, not even strictly for gaming, just to shop or doing normal stuff in the city, the sight of all these hot girls - and even more, couples with a hot girl - evokes an overwhelming feeling of frustration, helplessness and bitterness in me. I feel just like I felt in my childhood when all the cool kids wouldn't have me and I was treated less than a human. I feel like every hot girl I come across sees me as a pile of dogshit. When I see couples together I feel like the guy is laughing at me inside, thinking "haha, you would want a hot girl like mine, wouldn't you? well, no pussy for you, loser!". I know this sounds insane, that a simple stroll in the city evokes these feelings in me, but this is what happens, and I am simply unable to deal with it.
And obviously, this holds me back strongly. It's one thing to approach despite being anxious, but it's another one entirely if you are deeply convinced that you do not deserve to be with a decent-looking girl.
When I manage to conquer this for a time, I start to get results very quickly. I had dates from cold approach in the past one year, my success ratio is not bad for a beginner. But I am unable to do it on a regular basis, because most of the time I feel too bad about myself.
I also never had a real girlfriend, except for a 4/10 girl 5 years back, but obviously it was not a good relationship. It feels like through social circle, I only come across women who are in a relationship. I had sex with one such girl a few weeks back - ending a dry spell that lasted almost a year -, and it was just one time as she has a boyfriend, but how differently I started to see the world after that is unbelievable. It was like a black, dense gloom was lifted from the world, I felt sympathy for people, I felt open and zealous about life, I was even able to work more. I felt WHOLE. Like I had been running on low battery before and then I was charged up. I think this is how someone with a healthy self-esteem feels like all the time. For me, I felt like this only about 1% of my life. And this positive state doesn't last: after about 2 weeks, I was back to my self-hating, unworthy-feeling self.
I am pretty certain that the only thing that could "heal" me would be if I at last could have a relationship with a girl I'm attracted to and who loves me. But it's very hard to get there from this state of frustration, anger and mistrust I feel towards other people, and hot girls especially.
I need to do something, but I have already tried so many times to turn my life around I simply don't trust in my ability to do so anymore. That's why I'm here, so that instead of constantly chewing on these thoughts alone, I can share it with you and get some external input.

Are you aware of the book "The Courage To Be Disliked" it's based on the psychotherapy approach of Alfred Adler, I've only read snippets of it so far, but I think it might be of some use to you.
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#12
Could you quote properly? I prmiss i will work on my grammar if you do that. Wink))
constant is change...
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